Friday Night in Hick Town

I just read an article in the local paper about the dearth of singles in my town. Most people said, in so many words, “there’s no nightlife, it’s boring, it was so much better in the large metropolis I used to live in, if it (meeting someone) happens, it happens.” The relationship experts replied that waiting around for something to happen doesn’t work – you have to make it happen.

According to the paper, the demographic breakdown for Hick Town is approximately 15,000 each never-married men and women between the ages of 15 and 44. I don’t know why they stuck the 15-19-year-olds in there, because I wouldn’t expect them to be married, and I don’t know why they left divorced people out, because they’re single too. So those numbers aren’t too helpful, other than to say at least we’re not like Alaska with a 7 to 1 ration of men to women. Hmmmm, … naaah.

One lady’s comment about the local men was “They dip.” No, she’s not speaking ebonics, and dip is not slang for “really bad” or “really good.” She means they chew tobacco, which is just gross. She also added they are uneducated. You’re not making a good impression out there, fellas!

So what am I doing? I tried that eHarmony experiment, which you can read about below. None of my potential matches lived in Hick Town, so I’m guessing there’s not many eHarmony users here. Or maybe guys here just don’t know how to use computers. After eHarmony, I tried meetup.com, which is not a single matching service, but a social network for people with common interests. The only meetup groups in Hickory are for bipolar disorders and Budhism, but hey, at least they know how to use computers. So I set up my own meetup group (30 day free trial, 6 months for $72.00) under the interest Renaissance Faire hoping to attract people who like to have a good time and know how to read.

I also had one of my better Friday nights last week. I don’t go out very often because I am trying to maintain an “aura of mystery.” I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Some man with yesterday’s 5:00 shadow immediately glommed onto me and insisted that I needed to have fun and another drink. “Bill” was a bit of a drunk, and a bit of an arrogant asshole, but I took him up on the drink part. His buddy was much more interesting, but I couldn’t get rid of “Bill” to talk to the buddy. And though I have delusions of youth, he was definitely too old. But I talked to them, and “Bill” gave me his phone number and insisted that I call him. I did not.

While I was talking to Bill and his Buddy, an acquaintance of my husband’s came up to say hello. “Cliff” has a little beard, a knit cap on his head, and tattoos up both arms – total opposite of “Bill.” Eventually Cliff invited me back to his table, and I realize tattoo boy is actually interested in me. I think I was intimidating his friends so I didn’t linger. Perhaps if I could get tattoo boy alone…. …. ….

Anyway, by now I’m on my 3rd drink, which means I will say anything to anybody, so I sidled up to the 3rd and final prospect of the evening. I would give you a fake name, but after 3 drinks I don’t remember names anymore, so his fake name could actually be his real name, so I will just refer to him as “out of my league.” “Out of my league” had been talking with a friend of mine, so I felt we were practically introduced. I had gleaned that he had played football for a large state university, and we had a nice conversation about football rivalries, rap music, and probably some other stuff I don’t remember. He was tall and good-looking, probably too tall for my 5’2” frame, and probably too young, but I as I said, I have delusions of youth. Isn’t “trying” the whole point of this? He even said he would meet me the next Friday night at the same place, but that day has come and gone and I couldn’t get a babysitter. So I am either playing hard-to-get, which they tell me is the thing to do, but it always seemed counter-intuitive to me, or I have screwed that opportunity up.

Guess I will have to wait another 4 weeks before I find out. Got to maintain that “aura of mystery.”

eTuition

eTuition: a feeling that something online is not quite right; useful for guarding against scams, phishers, urban legends, chain e-mails, and cyber-stalkers.

I completed my eHarmony questionnaire, paid with my credit card, and started communicating via their guided communication process. I stayed up to 3:00 a.m. two nights in a row, answering and sending various questions. By the third day though, my intuition was telling me that something wasn’t right, and I always listen to my intuition.

Something about the process seemed ---- backwards. They take everyone in the universe, and then match them up based on their personality profiles and a few other attributes, like location, age, and attractiveness (which, btw, is self-reported). Then these matched pairs pass a few lame questions back and forth. Sample: “What is your idea of a dream vacation?” Somehow, you are supposed to decide if you like this person enough based on a few answers to some situational questions. If you decide that someone who is more afraid of speaking in front of 500 people than their boss (actual question) meets your criteria (?), then you can send them a list of attributes that you “must have” in a partner, and a list of things you “can’t stand.” To create each lists, you are allowed to select only 10 attributes from a much longer list. Some of the qualities they think you might like to see in a potential partner include “emotionally healthy,” “strong character,” “financially responsible,” and “conflict resolver.” No, I want someone who is emotionally equivalent to a turnip, possesses no morals, throws money away, and has to win every argument. Shouldn’t those attributes be a given? Yet I have to waste 4 of my 10 on those basic qualities leaving no room for “loyal” (another given I didn’t even have room for), “shares my interests,” and “artistic.” I also may have been a tad anti-Frank (my ex), selecting anything he wasn’t, which made it sound like I wanted a financially responsible, industrious, always agreeable robo-husband.

The “can’t stands” are actually worse including such qualities as “depressed,” “lies”, “takes advantage of people,” “rude,” “lazy,” “mean-spirited,” “petty,” “racist,” “has poor hygiene,” “addicted,” “undependable,” or “infidelity”. I’m already up to 12. These should be undebatable base-line qualities. And who’s going to actually admit to being any of these things? What would be better is a list of potential deal-breakers that might vary from person to person, like gambles, foul-mouthed, or lives with mother. Those first two are actual choices, but heck, I’d prefer a foul-mouthed gambler as long as he wasn’t a depressed, lying, rude, lazy, mean, petty, dirty, unreliable, drug-addicted white-supremist cheater.

What it comes down to is eHarmony is a match-making service. If they existed in real space instead of cyber-space, they would sort all their registered users into different rooms based on compatibility and a few other limited requirements. Everyone is naked, but with blinders on, so they can’t actually see each other. Everyone is shouting at once:

“I want to have 15 kids and stay at home”

“I’m looking for someone who’s sexually adventurous.”

“I need a trophy wife.”

I just want to say “People, people. Calm down. Why don’t we get to know each other first before we start shouting out our deepest desires? Now who here likes bowling? Ok, you guys go over to that corner. Who likes Civil War reenactments? You’re meeting over here. Extreme sports? Up front.”

“Excuse me, miss. I like Civil War reenactments and bowling. What should I do?”

“What about bowling on Tuesday, Civil War on Saturday?”

“Good idea. I’ll meet twice as many people.”

What I’m trying to say folks, is can’t we do this the old-fashioned way?” Meet someone with a shared interest, get to know each other, hopefully feel a little chemistry. Then once you’ve got ‘em hooked, start divulging all your quirks. They will have either already bought into you, and will find these qualities to be interesting and endearing, or they will back off and say it’s not working out. That’s what dating is for – to determine compatibility.

So I cancelled the eHarmony subscription. I am now looking for men who share my interest in family, travel, intellectual pursuits, Lord of the Rings conventions, and so on. Once I find one, I’ll let you know.