eTernity (The Time it Takes to Fill Out the eHarmony Questionnaire)

I have finally reached rock bottom, I am going to try computer dating. This is so embarrassing. I have been going out on occasion, and I have determined I am not going to find what I am looking for in a bar. And what am I looking for? For starters, a man with a job and decent looks, who can take out the trash without being asked. Yeah, that describes the bartender. What do I bring to a relationship? Honesty, faithfulness, dependability, a sense of humor and fun, and a willingness to breed. There, that should scare off the light-weights. All I really want is a 2nd chance at happiness, now that I actually know what I want out of life.

I started entering a profile on eHarmony, which I should complete by the time my youngest is in middle school, so at least getting a babysitter won’t be a problem. I am torn between being painfully honest and putting in answers that might actually get me a date. I feel like I have so many upfront negatives, it’s going to be hard for anyone to get to the positives. I’m also just a little jaded. Most of the questions ask you to rank a statement that potentially describes you on a scale of 1-7 from “not at all” to “very well”; for example, “when I have an argument, I like to win.” Who in their right mind doesn’t? And does this mean they will only match me up with people who do or don’t? I got stuck on the question, “list the 3 things you are most thankful for”, as this will be displayed to my matches. I think 3 is much too small a number. You are only going to get trite, obvious things like my children, my family, my religion, my country, etc. If they asked for 6, you might get some illuminating answers like “chocolate, double-shot iced cappuccinos,” “my incredibly huge wanker,” and “George Lucas.”

I went ahead and crammed as much as possible into my 3 answers, putting family relationships in the first spot, institutions in the second, and experiences in the 3rd. Towards the end, I got to list 5 things I couldn’t live without. Since I’d already covered the big concepts, I took the question literally, and listed 5 objects: books, laptop, car, frappucinos (I really like them), and blue jeans. Peter Jackson did not make the list.

If you ever actually complete the questionnaire, they will try to tell you what you are looking for in a mate. They got it partly right, though I’m sure it was my whacked answers that messed it up. I was agreeable but not pleasing, kind but not sweet, adventurous but controlled. I’m either an anachronism or an average. I do want a man who is kind, honest, reliable, and committed to family, all the things my first husband wasn’t, They will match me up with someone who appreciates my need for personal space and will give me sufficient time to feel comfortable about opening up. And as for my argument question, they will match me up with someone who tries to keep the peace but will stand his ground when necessary in order to gain and keep my respect, so they perfectly matched my ambiguous answer. However, somehow my answers have pointed me to someone “who is so set in his ways that he sometimes finds it hard to compromise” and “you will appreciate the fact that you will always know exactly where he stands on an issue from day to day,” in other words, someone who is always wrong. Where did I say I wanted that?

And here’s the worst part. I put a lot of stuff in there about how honest, and faithful, and reliable I was, but I lied on my application. After slogging through their interminably long questionnaire, I finally get to the part where I list my marital status. I have been separated since September of 2004. eHarmony does not match separated people who are still married. Damn. There goes three weeks worth of effort. So I lied. That’s going to be a potential deal-breaker. Oh, well. I don’t actually expect to get married out of this effort. It’s really more of an experiment.

I could get divorced very easily. My husband was in fact suing me for divorce until he figured out his marital behavior excluded alimony. It’s just a matter of coming up with 60-70 grand to pay out his half of the marital assets, which by the way, I earned. Since I have no imminent plans to get married, I don’t see the point of giving him half of what I own. If you know anything about my personal situation, this makes perfect sense.

I’m all for compatibility, but sometimes a little contrast is good. Just because I sometimes feel tongue-tied and awkward doesn’t mean I want someone with the same lack of smoothness. Just because I’m not competitive, doesn’t mean I want a man who’s not competitive. Aren’t some qualities a little more manly than others? I got a very wishy-washy answer on artistic interest; appreciates art but would prefer something else for entertainment; will go to a museum while traveling while neglecting the one at home. Excuse me? I’m a patron of the local museum, and I think an art opening is great weekend entertainment, despite the fact that most of the attendees are old ladies and queers, hence my experiment with eHarmony. At least I got “he will appreciate the time and effort you put into your appearance and be happy with the end result, but ultimately he is more concerned with who you are than what you look like.” That sounds promising.

For the most part, they got what I wanted in a partner right. I just hope my matches actually live up to these expectations (and I to theirs).

I was curious how far I could go before actually paying any money. I filled out the entire questionnaire and input my personal information. Then their little computer set to churning and spit out my matches. I got 5 initially, all at least 60 miles away. Two sent a first request for information that same day. When I tried to answer their questions, I was finally routed to a screen requesting payment. They had done an ok job so far, so I opted for a 3-month plan for $111. In case you’re interested, the cheapest rate is $21 a month for 12 months.

So they let you read about your potential mates first. A couple were intriguing. Apparently. I’m not the only desperate one out there. Notably, the youngest match was 43. I’m ok with older men, but I’m only 41. Are there no eligible men between the ages of 35 and 40? Does eHarmony have a policy against matching women with men a few years younger, but not the other way around? If so, that’s sexist, and I disagree with it.

I am reminded of a truism I read once: Don’t you just hate that as you grow older, your looks begin to fail, and you find it more difficult to attract those members of the opposite sex who at one time barely met your minimum standards?

Oh, crap.